Since this is a blog devoted to my life as a mother and the lives of my children I thought it fair to mention the child that never came to be. a few days ago marked five years since we lost our first baby through miscarriage. I have only recently started to process that feeling of loss. At the time I was saddened by the experience but I never fully mourned the loss, I moved on fairly quickly and was soon pregnant again.
We were planning our wedding for the following October. We had been engaged 10 months and had already had many conversations about the family we hoped to start. I was always fearful of infertility problems, partly because I wanted children so bad I just felt it would be ironic if I could not have any and partly because I did have endometriosis and other problems that could cause fertility problems in the future so my doctor had encouraged me not to wait to late in life to start trying. So it was June and our wedding was still a few months away. We both agreed that we wanted children right away and for some reason thought it might be a good idea to start trying early, just in case it took a while. Well it didn't. we were pregnant after the first try. I was excited, anxious, scared, nervous, and above all else happy. I left the stick test on the bathroom counter and waited till Nat came home from work. He went to the bathroom and saw it and came to me with a huge smile..."really?" I think was his first response. We were both a little shocked that it had happened so fast but very excited. My dad had just started running a new restaurant and had invited us all over for dinner one night. We broke the news and my dad could not get the grin off his face, he was also a bit shocked but so excited. My mother was concerned, as she always is. So the first thing we talked about was the wedding, we needed to move it up. We called the plantation that we had already booked for Oct and rescheduled for the next available date, Aug 6th. We went into wedding plan overdrive and pulled it off in three months. I hadn't seen a dr yet before the wedding since I was on Medicaid and they didn't take you until after the 12th week. I was 10 weeks when we were married, I drank grape juice instead of wine for the toast and was the only sober person present for much of the reception. We waited a week and then took our honeymoon in Colorado. I remember spending a lot of time reflecting on the baby inside, on our future as a family. I was truly happy and feeling so blessed. We were hoping for a boy, and we had starting picking out names. We came home and started back to our normal life, enjoying our new status as husband and wife. A week passed, that Friday morning a saw a bit of blood, I looked it up in the what to expect book and there was a bit of reason to worry so I called the dr. they asked if I could come in that day just to have a look, my doctor was not in but I could see dr. Pain. I called Nat and told him there was a bit of blood, probably nothing to worry about but that I had made an appt to come in. I should have told him more but I was trying to remain calm myself and not overact. I remember sitting in the dr's office, joking with Nat about little things. I was worried but at the same time excited to see the baby for the first time. The doctor came in and did an internal u/s. those were the longest five minutes of my life. he found the baby but there was no moment, no sound. he kept trying but nothing. I remember looking at the screen and going numb. He finished the exam and basically said it didn't look good, but that it also could just be too early to see a heartbeat. He went over a couple things but honestly I don't think I heard a word that came out of his mouth. I just remember feeling completely blindsided. Nat was white as a sheet, he was not at all prepared for the news he was getting. They took some blood work and asked that I come back on Monday if I had not seen any further signs of miscarriage so they could do another blood test and u/s. They gave me a pamphlet I think on what I might experience the next couple days and asked that I try to take it easy. Katrina was in the Gulf by this time and heading right for us. We had also just signed a purchase agreement on a house for our new family. I remember driving home in a complete state of oblivion. the thoughts of what if and now what. all the dreams and hopes for our future were shattering in slow motion and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
We went home both in shock, I don't think we said much to each other the rest of that day. I was somewhat optimistic that everything would turn out fine but deep down inside I knew what was coming. Contractions started later that night. It was very intense and very painful. there was not a lot of blood loss, just a lot of pain and sorrow. at 3am we decided to go to the hospital hoping there was something they could do. At the very least I hoped for some relief from the pain. After an hour in the waiting room balled over in a wheelchair, alone, while Nat filled out paper after paper they put us in a triage room. I never heard from or saw a doctor. at least four different med students came in to stick me for blood which they didn't get till the sixth try. I was not allowed anything for pain since they could not confirm whether or not I was actually miscarrying. at 7am my water broke on my way to the bathroom, there was a lot of blood. no one came in to clean up the room until 9am at which time they told us we were being discharged. I was still not offered any pain medicine or an explanation of what was going on. I was sent home with another pamphlet on what I might expect. I went home fully regretting ever leaving my home in the first place. the pain had subsided from intense contractions to menstrual like cramps after my bag of water had broken. we arrived home to discover Katrina was in fact coming that night. we packed our bags and eleven cats up and went to my moms. I couldn't sleep at all that night. I was the only one up, pacing the house, crying, scared, distraught. I spent most of my time with the cats, taking a couple out at a time to let them eat and do their potty business in the liter box. I had avoided any liter duty since becoming pregnant and was a bit thankful at the time that I didn't have to rely on Nat to do it at that time, that would not have gone over well. I was trying to make sense out of it. Why? that question which will never be answered just plagued me. Was this for a purpose, did I do something wrong, was it just not good timing, did this mean I shouldn't be having a baby...oh those horrible questions just racing through my mind. The hurricane passed and we had survived, daddy hooked up the generator sometime that afternoon and we had our first glance at the devastation New Orleans had endured. I remember completely forgetting what I was going through, it didn't seem to matter anymore. I was suddenly grateful for what I did have. it was a few days before we returned home, and we took in a few extras including our soon to be dog, Beau. We had three house guest for the next couple weeks and again I just didn't have the time to process what had just happened in my own body. The house we had signed a purchase agreement on had fallen through, the other realtor decided to pull it from us and sell it for more money. I returned to work and went back to everyday life and just shook it off. There was an influx of FEMA people in our area and they just loved that good ole country buffet at the country kitchen, our business went through the roof. I had gotten close with one of the higher up people working for a company contracted by FEMA and we worked out a deal for the Country Kitchen to cater to their office. In the meantime Rita was on the horizon. I didn't feel like dealing with another storm so we decided to take a second honeymoon and drive to northern Alabama, we took our newest family member Beau with us. And so we conceived Isaac. Only a few weeks after losing the first baby we were pregnant again. I came home and accepted a job with that company we had been catering to. The day after I took the job I found out about the pregnancy. a week later I noticed some blood again. I was broken, I couldn't believe I would have to go through this again. I made an appt and immediately got in to see the doctor. He did an u/s and there was no heartbeat but it would have been to soon to tell anyway. He basically told me to expect the worst, I should not have conceived so soon after the miscarriage, he says. He sends me home and tells me to rest. I have a follow up appt in a week to check again and see if there has been any growth. I am a zombie for the next week. We finally go back in and then we see it. I baby with a heartbeat! I am crying now just writing that, I cannot express to you the feeling that came with that simple blurry little beating dot on a screen.
Nine months later a beautiful baby boy is born. It is hard to feel down and sad when I was so quickly blessed with such a miracle. But deep down that pain does still lie. Every so often I will think about it, what could have been. Most days I look at the two babies that I have been lucky enough to give birth to and I can't feel an ounce of sorrow. That almost makes me feel guilty in a sense, like I do not honor the life that once was a part of me. I do not want to forget about that baby, or pretend it never existed. This past week it has been heavy on my heart, the memory of that brief pregnancy and the expectations that were never met. I feel better having given some time to feel that grief, to mourn that loss as if it really did matter.... because it did.
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