no more baby stuff...

So it is increasingly apparent that I no longer have babies to care for. There are no piles of diapers waiting to be washed, there are no baby wipes in the house, there are no baby swings, no onesie outfits, no push behind toys, no baby blankets or burp cloths, no noopies, no cribs, no changing tables. no babies.

I feel like I should be relieved, that I should be happy that I no longer have to deal with diaper changes and spit up. But I find myself mourning not enjoying this transition. While I do enjoy, and really prefer, the stages my two kids are in now I find myself really sad that there are no babies.

Okay so maybe I am just hormonal, or crazy (oh wait those are the same thing). Maybe I am just going through that phase. Or maybe I really do want another baby. SHHHHH, don't tell anybody though...cause they will surely tell me it's a bad idea! But seriously how can a baby be a bad idea? Sure, we are broke (when have we not been broke the last five years?), I am maxed out on patience most days, and Nat and I are just starting to like each other again....but are any of those really good reasons not to give something, you already feel is a part of you, life? I guess it depends on who you ask. All I know is I look in the faces of the two beautiful blessings I have already given life to, even though we were broke, I was tired, and I couldn't hold a conversation at times with my husband...and it has certainly been worth it. In the end it worked out.

I am trying to just enjoy life, to be thankful for what I have and stop constantly looking to what I want next. And I am okay with not having another baby right now, what seems to be bothering me is the idea that I am preventing another baby from coming into my life...if that makes sense. I am of the mindset that we should just let things be and let happen what will. If we are blessed with another baby we should accept and be gracious for that. It feels very ungracious to purposefully prevent receiving that gift.

I digress. These are the ramblings of a hormonal mother with "my babies are growing up too fast" syndrome. Now at 12:15am I am off to nurse my almost two year old, who has not given up the baby behavior of waking up to nurse all night ;-)