the beginning of a new beginning

first I want to congratulate myself on posting here within a couple days of my last post, this is a good start :)

I have been dwelling for a while on what aspects of my life I am still not happy with. What is holding me back from being the woman/mother/wife that I want to be? It's a long list actually and many of the ticket items intertwine and loop around one another. For instance I blame the caffeine addiction for the lack of sleep and the lack of sleep for the caffeine addiction...which came first the chick or the egg? This makes it hard to figure out a starting point for changing things.

No more excuses! I will just start ... somewhere ... anywhere. This weekend I started by sleeping really late in the mornings and drinking less coffee during the day. Then I took a few steps back by staying up way to late (uncaffeinated) to watch netflix documentaries. I also took some much needed time out to spend just hanging out with the kids. Isaac is really into the whole pretend play storytelling thing right now. Everyday he finds new objects to transform into characters for his stories. He constructs very elaborate stages for these characters, most of them even have names, and all of them have very thought out stories. Aralyn is really into destroying whatever her brother is really into creating. the yin and yang those two! Isaac is learning to teach her though, I ask that he use the words "you can do this..." as opposed to "stop that" or "don't do this". It works a small percentage of the time, but it's a start.

I also took some time this weekend to just sit and take in the world around me. I used to spend a lot of time doing this, back before the mortgage, the marriage, the kids, and the chaos. Now I rarely just sit and look. I may sit and think, but that is very different. I am tyring to get back to a place where I just notice the paint color that is on the walls, instead of planning what color it will be next. Harder to do than you think, especially when your mind is always on and you always live in the tomorrow instead of the today. perception of time is a very intriguing thing for me. We can all remember a time when it felt like each day drug on and other times when it literally flew by. What makes the difference? Well it seems, for me anyway, that when I am always focused on tomorrow or next week or next month, I can never get a grip on today. other times I have been so consumed by the day to day, like when caring for a newborn, that tomorrow just seemed so far away and took forever to get to. Why is it that I only seem to focus on the day to day when I am stressed, overwhelmed, and/or depressed? Why can't I focus on the days filled with the mundane, the ordinary, the simple joys of life? Instead of always waiting for what is going to happen next I really want to learn to appreciate the everyday things in every day.

So here is to the beginning of a new beginning. A time of reflection, focus, soul searching, and peace seeking.