It seems daily I am asked by one well meaning person or another questions like "when will you stop breastfeeding" "when will you stop bringing Aralyn to your bed" "when will they start school" "why aren't they on a better schedule" and so on. My answer is almost always "when they are ready".
Having two children now, and after trying out many different parenting styles, reading many different books, meeting other parents and children, and finally (the most important) following my gut instincts, I have learned a few things about my role as a parent and my child's role as a, well, a child.
Children are people. They have their own way about them, each one is very different from any other out there. I like to think Aralyn takes after me and Isaac after his daddy, but the truth is they are their own unique little person. Once you truly understand what that means it only makes sense to allow them the opportunity to live out their lives the way they want to. If we stop thinking of our children as helpless, dependent, and malleable and instead just listen to their needs we can better serve them as their parents. I have to admit as well as I understand this now, It has not always been common sense to me. When Isaac was a baby, I believed my role as his mother was to shape him, instruct him, control him. I gave him options here and there but for the most part I led and he followed. I believed this was teaching him.
With the birth of Aralyn came an awakening for me as a mother. My views of motherhood were turned upside down, everything I once thought I knew and strongly believed in had shifted. I finally stopped looking at my children as mine and started to look at myself as theirs. Ah how the language is so important. I am their mother, I gave birth to them making a promise to them to care for, love and protect them. They are not mine, in the sense that I own them, or in the sense that I have control over them, or in the sense that they belong to me. They are a part of me. Their lives are in my hands. They need me. They love me. They trust me. I have a greater responsibility as their mother than to just teach them how to live, my responsibility is to guide them through their own lives. To allow them to be themselves. My role as their mother, their teacher, is to be of service to them. It seems we so easily lose sight of this, making our children serve our own needs, tyring to create them in our own likeness, and trying to always do what we believe is best for them. We often do not give our children enough credit for knowing and understanding what is in their own best interest.
I view my children as people, and understand their life's purpose is not to serve me as their parent but my life's purpose as their parent is to serve them. I try to listen intently to what their needs are and respect them by meeting those needs to the best of my ability. I have by no means been the best parent, every day is a new chance for me to learn and grow with them. But I do try every day to allow them to lead as I follow.
My hope for my children is that they will be able to make decisions for themselves. Isaac was easy to lead, he had no problem being a follower. If I tell him bedtime is at 8:00 sharp, he will go to bed at 8:00 sharp. But when looking at the bigger picture, I realized it would make more sense if he came to his own conclusion that going to bed at 8:00 was a good idea. That when it gets late and he is tired that he should go to sleep. So one day when I am not there to tell him that it is bedtime, he will still manage to get to sleep when he needs to.
Aralyn has so far been my proof of success with this style of parenting. I did not tell Aralyn when it was time to go to bed, I have always followed her lead. I did not tell Aralyn when it was time to start using the potty, I followed her lead, she has been out of diapers for a few weeks now with relatively no hassles. When she is hungry she eats, when she is tired she sleeps. When she needs the comfort or nourishment of my breast, she gets it. When she wakes at night and wants to be close to her mother, I bring her to bed. I meet her needs, because I respect that she has them. I feel obligated to her, after all I am the one who brought her into this world.
Of course I seek to teach my children respect. I want them to respect others and understand that sometimes they have to put aside their needs to help meet the needs of others. I want them to learn this by the example I set as their parent. I do not wish to just tell them what they should do.
I will continue to let the child lead. I will breastfeed, co-sleep, stay home with, nurture, and cater to my children for as long as they are here for me to do so. I will do this because I am a mother.
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