to be a mother

The love a mother has for her children is unconditional and everlasting. It is easy for a mother to look past her children's faults and see the beauty in every aspect of who they are. It is unfortunate that the rest of the world will not see my children in the same way I do. I find myself sometimes sad over what the future may hold for my son. I see the genius behind his quirks, I know the love in his heart, and the good intention behind his often misunderstood actions. I have rethought a lot about my role as a parent in these last couple years. I once thought the parent's "job" was to mold and shape a child, to prepare him for the world. This is how my own parents attempted to raise me. I now see things differently. I realize the purpose and intent in our unique creation. I also realize it is not I who have created my children, a much more perfect and all knowing God has done that. With that into perspective I have realized that my role as a parent, my "job", is to prepare the world for my children, and not the other way around.

It is still hard to watch my son interact with his world at times, to see a child that does not easily fit in. We have been working with him in different ways, not to change him but to help him reach his full potential. Sometimes I get angry, and look for someone or something to blame. It can be trying at times, dealing with his unpredictable moods and odd behaviors. Those are the times I try and reflect on why he was created this way. I have many theories as to what could have aided in his being this way, the things that I did or did not do. While I do hold some responsibility I also realize that some things are bigger than me. I cannot go back and change things, I can do better now that I know better, and I can forgive myself for any role I did play in shaping this child of mine.

I now realize the importance of preserving and protecting a child from the moment of conception. That each cell is created by a force greater than me. The best I can do is give those cells a clean and healthy space to grow into a healthy baby, to allow that baby safe and gentle passage into this world, and then keep that child close and protected, allowing them to be who they are and avoid trying to mold them into what I wish them to be. Oh, this is so much easier said than done! As an individual myself, it is sometimes hard when our needs or wants clash. There is so much grey area in trying to meet the child's every need, respecting their autonomy, and encouraging their own desire to learn. It is a day to day learning experience. I know that we are imperfect people created in the likeness of perfection, and that the best we can do is acknowledge that and strive to be as close to that perfection as possible. It is the journey that seems to matter the most, not so much the destinations in life. The times of struggle and despair are often the times of great personal growth. Motherhood allows for many of these times.